the object of my affection
I’m fine, but not okay.
Tonight, I was reading some of my old posts about things happening in my life at the time. Most of them were about this one specific person. It made me stop and think about everything I’ve been through over these past two years with this person. It’s been rocky, oh it’s been so rough, but it’s been rewarding. Today would have been 5 months that we had started dating, however we broke up July 27th. I know you’re probably wondering 4 and half months isn’t a long time to date someone, and it probably didn’t hurt that much when it ended. Wrong. These past three weeks have been soul crushing. Now, we didn’t break up because he cheated or did anything bad because we were perfect for each other and still are, but even if we are soulmates we can never be together because of personal issues. I have doubted everything about myself these passed three weeks. Trying to wrap my brain around why I’m not good enough and I never will be for him. I have cried myself to sleep for a week straight, I didn’t eat, and I felt lost. I felt like know understood what I was going through because they have never went through it. This past week it has gotten better. I’ve smiled and laughed a little more, but that doesn’t mean it’s not constantly on my mind. I can talk about the break up and say his name without crying now, which I count as a positive step. We have decided to remain friends because he’s still one of my best friends and people in my life. We need each other to get through this crazy life. I feel like we can get through it together without actually being together. Although right now there is a scab over the wound, I know it will heal, and even though I might not be okay right now. I can be fine. This relationship from beginning to end, and even though technically a friendship is a type of relationship, it has taught so much. It has taught me to kind hearted and open minded to other people, and their challenges they face in life. It has taught me to be strong even when I feel like quitting. Most importantly, it was taught me to love other unconditionally. I’m forever grateful we dated and it was great while it lasted, but now it’s time for me to move and it’s going to take some time, but in the end I know I’ll be okay.
Just something to think about.
Today has been very interesting. I woke up with a new outlook on things, and told myself that I need to find a new normal because I finally ended a toxic relationship that was just going in circles. It only took me almost two years to figure out that was not healthy and I asked myself why did I keep putting myself in the same situation? Was it because I loved him or was it because I was comfortable with him and I didn’t have to worry about starting over because he already knew everything about me. I honestly don’t know the answer to that, but I do know that the best thing we could have both done was to walk away from each other. Some people aren’t meant to be in your life forever and I understand and I thought he was supposed to, but it turns out he came into my life to teach me so many things about myself, how to treat people, and how to not treat people. I mean today has been a regular, I got up went to class with no makeup on and in a tshirt and yoga pants, but in my first class we were doing a communication exercise and I was volunteered by the professor to be apart of it, and she paired me with the awkwardest guy, but he said something to me that has stuck with all day. He told me I looked like good things had been happening in my life. It kind of took me by surprise and at first my initial reaction was to say if he only knew what had been happening, he wouldn’t think it was good, but when I actually thought about it, it is true! My life is definitely not terrible and good things have happened to me, including the reduction of this toxic relationship because now I don’t have to worry constantly of what I mean a person or if this is the day they decide to leave again with no explanation. I am not saying I’m not sad about that person being out of my life because I am, but I am happy that the stress of the relationship is gone regardless of if we were friends, talking, or dating. The guy in my class probably didn’t mean anything by what he said today, but it made me realize that everything in my life is not terrible or the end of the world, regardless of how much I might complain or what not. I can truly say I’m blessed with great family and friends, good health, and an awesome God. Happy Tuesday! 😌
Excitement.
Over the past year, I’ve learned a lot of things and I’ve felt a lot things. I’ve felt what it like was for someone else to make me happy and me do that same, but also during this year I’ve felt a lot of pain and confusion. I’ve felt what it was like to be completely and fully in love with a person who couldn’t love their self, let alone another person. I was told things that would make me think I was doing right thing and that this really is going to be something great, but I was also told things that shattered my world in an instant without that person even meaning to. As heartbreaking as it is I know I have to let that person go because I can’t live like this anymore. I can’t continue to put myself in a vulnerable situation where I always end up hurt and confused, and I can’t be so focused on a person whose feelings aren’t the same as mine. Although I am sad, I am excited. I am excited to write a new chapter in my life. I’m excited to see what the future holds, and see all of the amazing things God has plan for me. I’m excited to focus on myself and creating a better me for me. I’m excited that one day God has this amazing guy picked out for me and he’ll come when he’s supposed to, and I’m excited to go on adventures and have the feeling of unconditional love both ways. I’m excited to build a relationship centered around God and do what he has in store for us. But right now, I’m back square one and that’s okay.
Changes
These past couple of months have been some of the hardest times I’ve had to deal with in my life. With starting my last semester of high school there were a lot of changes that had to take place including deciding what college I actually wanted to go to, what career I would pursue, and whether or not my family had the means for me to go to a university or not. Slowly it was becoming overwhelming, but once I thought I couldn’t take anymore my family was thrown this huge curve ball, and suddenly I felt like I was drowning. Every time I turned the corner I was being asked about college or becoming an aunt, which are both exciting things, but however are both new and for someone who doesn’t handle change very well it was making me sink even lower. I just wanted everything to stay the same. With all of this change, I began to lose myself. I felt lost and I didn’t know what I wanted out of life. My attitude went from optimistic to pessimistic really quick and I began to push the people I love away. I began to put myself into situations that I knew were no good for me, but I was trying to find the missing piece. The piece of normal and comfort. I’ve come to realize that everything in life is not going to stay constant. Sometimes I forget to realize that I’m not the only one growing up. I’ve learned that I have to catch whatever life throws me and roll with it because it does no good to stress or have a pity party for myself because life isn’t going how I planned. I’m working on my attitude and it’s gotten better, but I still have work to do, but it’s just another change I have to deal with in the crazy thing called life.
